Life – up and down, pass and fail

It is so embarrassing to write such a post about my failure but it is worth if you get something after reading this little note. I just did my MRCP (UK) part 1 exam in May which was unsurprisingly end up with a negative result for me. How stupid I am? Those board exams are not so easy but not so difficult either. Once you know what they want you to know and you have the resources, you are on the right track. All you have to do is practice, practice, practice. The revision tests and mock tests can give you the nearest score that you can get in the real test with a minor deviation. In other words, you can guess how much score you will get before the exam.

The reasons why I failed in this exam is clearly the lack of proper practice. I did not even do a full timed mock test one time before the exam. I kept working and working leaving too little study hours. One big predisposing factor would be my weakness in basic sciences as I was just an average student in med school and never had a strong ambition to be a great physician. When I was young, I wanted to be a surgeon because I love operating theatre, obvious nature of surgical disease process, quick recovery rather than vague internal medicine, never changing human anatomy and artistry of surgical techniques because I know I am good at drawing, patient and I love art. However, I realized that surgical field is much more complicated and competitive than I have thought as soon as I started my practice. And I never have a chance to get continuous training close to surgery. Our government could not give the newly graduated doctors of our batch and so many of my friends move on to different faculties such as private practice, INGOs, pharmaceutical companies, business and go abroad. I am the one who chose to go abroad to continue my career as a clinician (after 2 years doing charitable works and wasting some precious time) and hence here in Jamaica.
To start, I had to do the registering exam that contains theory and clinical parts and as my first big failure I had to do the clinical part twice. And I started over my internship which I have done in my country before the graduation. I feel like I am lagged way behind my colleagues that give me depression sometimes until now.
As a matter of fact, I made up my mind to do MRCP which was a dream when I was a student. Again, 2nd time in life, I did not hit the score. Well, it was a lot of money and time I spent to buy such a bitter experience. What a shame! 5 years passed and I am just a mere M.B.B.S. And I still have no proper training either in internal medicine or any other specialties yet.

This cannot beat me down. If this is just my fate, I created somehow. So, why can’t I change or control that. I keep running while my target is there, not moving and waiting for me.